tell me its not all in my head..

yeah, that’s right, I just used song lyrics from Nick Lachey. Don’t judge me.

So, I’ve been talking through myspace e-mail with this guy I went to high school with. It all started out normal, but lately he’s been all "am I doable?" or "its been a while." What is that? Does that mean you want to have sex with me? If your bold enough to make those statements, then just come right out and say it. In response to his "its been a while," I responded with "I hear you on that one." To which he responded, "I wish I could help." Does that mean he wants to help? or does it mean that he wishes he could, but he can’t cause I’m too ugly? Whatever. Either way, its not going to happen. I’m done with the whole one-night stand crap (which is probably what he wants) and even if he wants something more, as soon as I get close to possibly having a relationship with someone, I get all depressed and anxious and run away. I’m worried these days that I will be alone forever, but I know deep down that’s not what I want.

How do I overcome this? Is there something wrong with me? This has all be weighing on me for the past few days. I’ve been kinda depressed about it. Maybe its just that I don’t like myself and I’m afraid if someone gets close to me they won’t like me either. Maybe I should just worry about being comfortable in my own skin and in my own head before I start worrying about other people.

I wish my mom was still here. I’ve really been intensely missing her lately. That’s making me pretty upset as well. Its really hard because the mere thought of her brings tears to my eyes, and sometimes, she is all I can think about....but I can't go through my life crying all day. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wonder if her death is the reason I don’t want to be close to anyone. Will I ever get over that?